by Denise Meine-Graham, CT: Loss Survivor and Founding Director of Franklin County Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors

Hard conversation today. How does someone say the things they do even after I tell them my son killed himself? Shut up already! I almost had a full meltdown after that phone call.

My husband is loving and patient. He’s learning – we’re both learning – how to handle the sudden onset of physical shaking, scattered thinking, and incomplete sentences. The rubbing of my leg or hand. All tell tale signs of being tossed back into trauma. It’s moments like this that I don’t believe I’ll ever be “normal” again. And based on that belief I conclude it’s best to just isolate. To self protect. I know that’s not really true. But I’m so frickin sick of being “that person.”

An unexpected conversation with another loss survivor got me out of my head and brought me back to the here and now – at least for now. I sure do need my fellow loss survivors to help me through these hard times that still sneak up on me even after 6+ years.

Laying quietly at night staring into the dark with eyes shut tight I try to push the thoughts out of my mind I scream in my head: “NO NO NO! La la la la la. I’m not thinking of this. No, I’m not doing this. I won’t. Just think about anything else.” I give up and turn the light back on and read myself to sleep.

If you or someone you care about are struggling with suicidal thoughts please get help. 911 | 1-800-273-8255 | text “4hope” to 741741