by Alex Kleczewski, survivor and LOSS volunteer

In a gift of vulnerability and community, Alex is sharing her grief and healing journey with us in a 30-day blog series as she responds to “The Mourner’s Book of Hope: 30 Days of Inspiration” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.  Alex is an OSU student and LOSS volunteer. She lost her dad, Mark, to suicide in June 2017.

This by no means is a pretty experience for anyone. I by no means want to sugar-coat the ugly, because quite frankly, we tend to ignore or diminish the situation. Suicide is an ugly word and it is an ugly experience for all of those involved. You are able to take the dark and the ugly to a brighter place and make the best of situations, but it unfortunately always begins ugly.

I sat in my wound in the beginning, without even knowing it. I would find myself crying at the most random moments, and some not so random. I would wake up crying, go to sleep crying, and spend here and there in between breaking out in tears. Sometimes I wasn’t even aware it was happening until a friend or stranger asked if I was okay. The unconscious sitting was a good stepping stone for me to eventually get to acknowledging my emotion and hurt.

The days I have to sit in my wound are getting more sporadic, but I still have them. I have days where I don’t want to talk to anyone and everything annoys me, but I am aware of those days now. I am aware that when I have one of those moods if I go home, shower, nap, and do something I enjoy for a few hours, I break out of the ugly. Sometimes, however, there is no path out but through. Those are the hardest days for me, and will continue to be. To feel a hurt so deep at such a young age scares me, and gives me hope that I will have the strength to encounter all of what life throws at me with the courage it takes to let grief take over.

“The Mourner’s Book of Hope: 30 Days of Inspiration” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. is available on Amazon. When you log in to Amazon using Amazon Smile and choose Franklin County LOSS as your designated charity, a portion of the sale will be donated to LOSS’s programs for survivors.